I don't remember how I found this, but it's from Esquire. - OlderMusicGeek
Santa's Five Scariest Moments on Film
December 19, 2008 at 12:45PM by Daniel Murphy
Like most fairy tales, the story of Santa Claus is fairly frightening. Here’s a guy who lives in the North Pole, impervious to the cold, insulated with fat, cloaked in garish red, and surrounded by brainwashed little men whose sole mission in life is to construct toys without asking questions.
He is a recluse, spending 364 days each year obsessively compiling a list of naughty children, passing judgment on prepubescent boys and girls. Meanwhile, impersonators across the globe draw said boys and girls toward strip malls to sit on their laps and recite their hopes, dreams, and desired electronics.
One day each year, though, Saint Nick leaves his icy refuge to break into your home. He flies with the assistance of nine antlered bucks who land on your roof so he can climb down your chimney undetected. In a particularly odd twist, he subsists entirely on cookies and milk.
Face it: If not for the redeeming fact that Santa comes bearing gifts, he would be the stuff that horror films are made of. Horror films like these.
Silent Night, Deadly Night
When a young child watches Santa carjack and sexually assault his mom (not the real Santa, of course), he grows up believing that he has the power to judge who is naughty and who is nice. Apparently, the kid in the sled did something naughty, like “flaunt his wicked tobogganing skills.” But what’s with his friend at the bottom of the hill? I mean, come on, show a little emotion, will you?
Don't Open Till Christmas
Oh the Brits and their dry horror. Santa gets a spear through the back of the head and all everyone does is politely stand about 'til one mulleted bloke gets so worked up he hits the bar with his fist! How ghastly!
Santa’s Slay
First of all, great title. Second of all, this film is one Nic Cage casting call away from being a truly great movie. A kickboxing Santa Claus blowing up children with dynamite presents? That’s novel. (Get it? Dynamite presents?)
EQUAL-OPPORTUNITY HOLIDAY EXPLOITATION SPOILER ALERT: Someone is about to get stabbed in the throat with a Menorah.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Santa Claus tames the unruly black-faced Martians using only his jolliness! Except the Martians are actually pretty ruly, and Santa’s jolliness is more like creepiness. But that’s definitely black-face they’re rocking. Definitely.
Christmas Evil
Also known as You Better Watch Out and Terror in Toyland (because why have one title when you can have three?), Christmas Evil has a shockingly similar plot to Silent Night, Deadly Night, proving that there is, in fact, a market for the boy-traumatized-by-seeing-Santa-violate-his-mom-goes-homicidal genre. This version, however, has a bit more heart -- even if it is stabbed with a sharpened candy cane.
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Thursday, December 25, 2008
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